Honky Tonk Burger, London

Honky Tonk is a London-based chain of two American diner-style restaurants with branches in both Clapham and Mayfair. It follows the cookie cutter trend of stripped wooden floors, matte black painted walls with chalked quotes, and exposed filament bulbs hanging from the ceiling that have long been trending for a while. There's also a cupboard/door behind which more seating can be found, which is stolen directly from Callooh Callay (with even a Narnia quote above it, in case you didn't 'get' it).

I had been given a voucher for food, and so tried out a few items on the menu, as well as the all important burger. 

[Review] Burger at The Ring, Southwark

I had a Huge Pole in The Ring the other day. Trust me, correct use of initial caps is very important in that last sentence. In fact, as The Ring was full, I had a Huge Pole outside The Ring.

The Burger from The Ring, Southwark

Right, now I've got that off my chest, I can reveal The Ring is actually a relatively nondescript pub in Southwark, and it holds a secret. It's currently serving the full range of franks from Big Apple Hot Dogs, alongside a short burger menu. So I sampled both.

[Review] Heliot Steakhouse, Hippodrome Casino, Leicester Square

The Heliot Steakhouse is tucked into the dress circle of the Hippodrome Casino on Leicester Square. It commands a view over the casino gaming floor, and I was invited to sample the newly launched menu on a hot Thursday evening.

I realise I've been sitting on this review for a few weeks, so without further ado let's take a look at the Heliot's burger...

[Review] The Balham Burger from The Grove Pub, Balham

For all you burger lovers South of the river, regular Hamburger Me! dining partner in crime Anthony hits up The Grove, Balham for their burger special - The Balham burger.

The Balham burger from The Grove, Balham

Let's see what he has to say...

Red Dog Saloon: The Bad, The Bad and The Ugly.

Red Dog Saloon is perched on the corner of Hoxton Square, but its faded faux western facade, and brightly lit interior feels out of place amongst the low lit counter culture bars that surround it.

I was out for a couple of drinks on a Monday night and happened to be around the corner from Red Dog Saloon. I'd heard some mixed reviews of the burgers so it was a great opportunity to give it a Burger Me! once over.

Price:

Bacon cheeseburger £8.50
Blue cheese and bacon cheeseburger £8.50
Fries £2.75
Onion rings £2.75

Presentation:

All the burgers came lid-on, plated with garnishes of coleslaw, a thick finger of pickle, beef tomato, and a leaf of romaine lettuce. This is a burger where ALL the salad is out of the burger, which seems to me a bit of a cop out, or maybe a way to make the plate the burger is served on look less empty.

Toppings:

The bacon cheeseburger was topped with a miserly attempt at a topping. This consisted several pieces of dry and curly streaky bacon plonked on top. The American cheese wasn't much better being barely melted onto the meat. 

Meat:

A 6oz chuck patty apparently cooked medium rare is the core of this burger. It wasn't. In fact it's barely pink in the middle. It is seasoned, but the ground beef feels overworked and slightly sludgy.

Bun:

Godawful. What could have been a dense squidgy bun on first glance turns out to be a dry, untoasted gag-fest. What moisture might have been left feels like it's been leached out by a combination of heat lamp and old age. The only redeeming factor was my pint of Camden Meantime IPA.

Accessories:

Fries were fine, actually not bad at all, but the onion rings were massively disappointing. The breadcrumb exterior is dry, like the bun, and almost cold with a slimy, half cooked thick ring of onion inside. Unappetising. Coupled with a thousand-island style sauce that had been out so long it had formed a firm skin. Almost unpalatable.

Overall rating: 4/10

This burger scores a dismal 4/10 - the sludgy meat, the offensively dry, untoasted bun and unsauced toppings being bad enough crimes in themselves - coupled with a complete lack of interest in making a half decent attempt at palatable food. I visited on a Monday night, around 8.30pm, and the place was packed, so I doubt this review will do much to deter the hordes. 

The most interesting thing about Red Dog Saloon is I've had fans of the blog beg me to add this joint to my list, and others tell me to avoid it like the plague. I've also had their chef in charge of their Twitter account respond to my disappointed comments from the evening letting me know 'something must have gone wrong'. It may well have done, but when a place divides opinion like this (50% of the time it works every time...) there's a consistency issue that needs sorting.

Browns Burger - Old Jewry, Bank, City of London

Browns Burger

Out for a swift Thursday lunch with my old boss, we decided to meet and eat in a location equidistant from our offices, in the Old Jewry outpost of Browns, a chain of 20 or so Brasserie-styled restaurants situated across the UK.

I hadn't yet had the pleasure (or as you'll find out later, the displeasure) of the Browns burger, so thought I'd kill two birds with one stone by catching up with an old friend, and running the Burger Me! treatment over the hamburger.

Price: 
Bacon, Emmental Burger - £10.95

4/10 - Gaucho, Charterhouse Street, Smithfield, City of London

Location:
Gaucho in London is synonymous with Argentinian beef. They have a monopoly on the stuff. I was walking past their Gaucho Smithfield outpost just the other day, and as I'm always scouting for places that do a burger, and as I've eaten 35 day aged Argentinian beef steak at Gaucho a number of times, and absolutely love it, I made a bet their burger was going to be pretty tasty too!


The Gaucho visual identity is sleek and sophisticated (the colour black has long been used to market luxury goods based on its association with power and exclusiveness), and the interiors of their restaurants reflect that with dark wood tables, cow hide chairs, and subdued lighting. Even on table the luxury feel is extended with large shiny silver cutlery, brilliant white napkins, and thick cubed-crystal candle holders, all the way down the to cool, thin menus that concertina out to reveal their wares. Gaucho sponsorship of the London polo extravaganza lends nothing but gravitas to this exclusive brand postitioning. But sod all the marketing crap, do they make a good burger?

Only one restaurant in London offers this much cow hide